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Conflict and Intimacy

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I was just thinking about the unspoken expectations we carry about happy couples; and one of the most commonly idealized and fiercely defended is that “we never fight”.
Couples who never fight build a reservoir of unresolved troubles they attempt to sail over. They often pick up the rug labeled “Women!” or “Men!” and sweep the mess under that. Quietly resentment and disrespect builds. If there is no grappling with the problem, then contempt will ripen and contempt is a relationship killer.

I believe couples who ‘never fight’ probably take for granted the important repair work they perform on behalf of their marriage. These repairs happen when partners engage in acts of maturity that serve to strengthen their bond rather than shield it. They may not even notice that they dismiss some annoyance and shift their attention to a positive aspect of their partner, or engage in positive self talk. Its more likely they will wait and think about their distress before they confront anyone; which allows them to have a more thoughtful and less emotional conversation, opening doors to creative resolution. These acts of maturity serve to strengthen relationships through repair and resolution. Good repairs create even stronger bonds of intimacy.

What about emotions? When we are highly emotional we do not have full clarity about anything other than our feelings. Using those feelings to inform our positions is a fantastic resource. But high emotion won’t support respectful dialogue with those who disagree. Staying connected through conflict to resolution is an incredible magic trick that builds LOVE LOVE LOVE! Very sexy, VERY desirable. Many couples learn these skills over time, many learn these skills in therapy. Talk with each other and decide how good your conflict to intimacy skills are. Never hesitate to ask for help. You deserve it.
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For Therapists: Referring a Client to EMDR therapy

I specialize in adjunct EMDR, which is when a client comes to me specifically for EMDR, based on a referral from their therapist. They may see an EMDR therapist alongside their regular therapist or during a pause in their therapy. I require an open consent to exchange information for the duration of treatment. I will have a conversation by phone with therapists about the referral before the client’s first visit.

Often, clients want to do EMDR to be relieved of longstanding difficult emotions or a feeling of being stuck. However, there are significant defenses that support keeping these emotions locked into their current configuration. That is actually quite adaptive. I trust clients’ instincts about proceeding with EMDR, but I do have some basic requirements for readiness, which you will find are fairly consistent among EMDR therapists:

Clients need to have a little bit of stability, enough to stay aware of the present moment while recalling their trauma. Having this dual awareness is important for EMDR to work. I want to know they can maintain their present level of functioning while in therapy and are not actively suicidal.  EMDR can work to reduce dissociation, but being fully dissociated frequently would require an EMDR therapist who specializes in DID.

Parts Work/Internal Family Systems: I often do parts work alongside EMDR with clients who dissociate. Having parts of ourselves segmented and protected is quite common among those who have PTSD. So, some familiarity with this concept is good preparation. Another important preparation is having solid tools for getting grounded when upset and for containing discomfort. Those are skills that can be built in EMDR Phase 2. 

 

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Common questions about using insurance to pay for counseling sessions:

Will my health insurance pay for counseling?

Although most providers require you to take ultimate responsibility for paying your bill, health insurance may reimburse you or your healthcare provider for medically necessary treatment for covered, diagnosed conditions that impair your ability to function. They do not generally pay for counseling to relieve stress, enhance or maintain wellbeing or prevent problems down the road.

The exception to this rule is that some employers provide employee assistance programs which offer limited counseling for short term problems or crisis. Often these programs are limited to three sessions and then they refer you on to another provider for further treatment, which, if it is medically necessary may be covered by insurance.

That means you must Continue reading “Common questions about using insurance to pay for counseling sessions:”

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Talk, before there’s trouble…

If you ask marriage therapists about their most challenging cases, you will often hear that these couples sought help long after their first serious problems.

Marriage trouble is intensely personal. Few of us have seen our parents model the use of couples counseling. And, it’s hard to invest in a process where we become vulnerable, can’t predict how it will unfold, and do not have guaranteed outcomes.

What is predictable is that all marriages will have difficult times. Asking for help early is a predictor of success in couples counseling. Marriage is an incubator for grown-ups.   Lovers and newlyweds never begin life together fully mature.  Making effective use of that incubator is much easier with help from a compassionate, competent professional.

One study of 1000 engaged, married, and divorced people indicates that couples counseling is very common among certain age groups. Check it out here.

 

 

 

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After the Honeymoon

Sam was a brilliant businessman, intellect, and romantic. He married Tia, a lovely aspiring singer, taking her to a beautiful, remote spot in a foreign land to propose. It literally mirrored a scene from a movie they saw together when they first met and fell in love. Marrying a beautiful, equally intelligent, and charming woman who would make an attractive partner and who also held strong family values was about the best thing he could imagine happening to him. He was happy to support her aspirations to perform, however, a few years into the marriage, when Tia began to find success, travel more, and be emotionally consumed in challenging projects he felt cheated. Continue reading “After the Honeymoon”

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The Discipline of 100 Breaths

Go ahead. Try it. It really only takes 100 breaths to change your mental state. Believe me, I am not the best role model for meditation, relaxation, or contemplation. Being busy doing what I love is as satisfying as it is stressful for me. I can go for weeks without really stopping which is probably not a good thing.

Eventually, we do need to stop, and finding ways to do that can be very challenging. Consequently, many of us fail to find the time, focus, or energy to integrate those healthful ways of being into our daily lives.

But what if I told you it takes less than 2 minutes to stop completely and relax your mind, body, and spirit? Through the Discipline of 100 Breaths you can disengage from:

Stress Fear  Tension  Grief   Anger  Worry

Obsession   Demands of others  Perfections  Cravings

Anxiety  Hostility Frustration  Agitation  Overexcitement

-and whatever else is charging up your inner emotional state.

If you can do three things and ONLY three things you can change your internal state:

1  Find a quiet place to stand, sit or lie down and close your eyes.

2  Take 100 breaths in and out, in and out. Not fancy deep breaths, -in one second, out the next. They don’t need to be fast, or slow, deep or shallow. Just 100 normal breaths.

3  (Now here’s the hard part) ONLY Breathe. Pay attention to your breathing alone for 100 breaths. No planning, worrying, fretting about one thing or another. Literally for a moment.

That final step is difficult and some of us will fail at that point, usually because our anxiety is so extreme or our ability to focus is impaired or undisciplined. But if you fail the first time, you can train your brain to cooperate, simply with practice.

Give it a try and enjoy your refreshed, calmed state of mind.

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HIPAA (Rules for Health Information)

HIPAA: Rules about the use and protection of your private health information:

At your first visit you will be required to sign a statement that you have received information about your rights under HIPAA. This is now a routine practice for all health care visits, including counseling and mental health care. It sets national standards for the use and protection of your confidential health information. Continue reading “HIPAA (Rules for Health Information)”

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Faith as a resource

As a pastoral counselor, I am a specialist in helping people connect their faith to their efforts to improve their emotional or psychological wellbeing. Some people have had very bad experiences with religious folks imposing their own personal beliefs upon them, with an attitude of authority and condemnation. Condemning others for having questions, doubts, or different experiences and beliefs is considered a failure in most religious traditions. This sort of religious intolerance is the farthest thing from the practice of pastoral counseling, and often causes serious damage to human wellbeing. Pastoral counselors create affirming and challenging space for the client’s faith to speak, and helps people uncover the resources they are already carrying within.

Continue reading “Faith as a resource”

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What to expect in your first session…

The introductory session will give you an opportunity to get to know how the therapist works and to share your concerns with them. In my practice, I spend a few minutes upfront clarifying the basic expectations of therapy by putting them in writing (Introduction and Consent Form) and discussing any questions that you might have about confidentiality, payment, etc. Then I ask some basic questions that are geared toward helping us both assess what you need from therapy and whether I can provide it. Continue reading “What to expect in your first session…”