Talking about sex

I’m 25, we’ve just been married a year, and I’m happy but seriously disappointed by our sex life. It’s over too fast for me to climax. How do I tell my husband about this? I don’t want to break his heart, or his pride.

Ok, this is difficult, but everyone has to learn to do it. By “it” I mean talking about sex, not just doing it. It’s best to choose a relaxed, semi-quiet time, when having sex is not on the agenda. I think it’s great to ask for permission to bring up a delicate topic and create a playful, non-anxious attitude in your own heart at the same time.

It takes a long time, sometimes a lifetime, to get full “ownership” of our sexuality. And 25 is still young. Also, premature ejaculation can also be a problem for older men and their partners as well. What’s amazing is that couples can go for decades without resolving this issue. Accommodating this problem is only a temporary solution. Once it becomes a pattern it is self reinforcing and very demoralizing to everyone.

Credible lovers will not be satisfied unless they have also satisfied their partner as well. Therefore, your husband should be at least as interested as you are in a solution.

There are physical techniques that you can use to delay ejaculation; however creating a strong erotic connection during lovemaking is a more effective approach. Couples who can focus on and “track” the ebb and flow of their partner’s arousal during lovemaking are usually successful with their love life. This is a skill that is rarely mentioned or taught. But it makes sense, since tracking with other people’s moods, thoughts, and ideas is also critical to social competence. Eye to eye connection, playfulness and a true desire to please as well as be pleased builds this erotic connection.

And, when the connection is lost, don’t be afraid to stop, “retrace your steps”, go back and find it again.

If your statements about your sexual expectations are wrapped in desire rather than complaint or criticism, these conversations will more likely be experienced as delightful, seductive invitations.

If your husband is defensive, hurt or angry, you should suggest that you have the conversation at a latter time – at his initiation. Whether or not he initiates that conversation will tell you a whole lot about whether you need professional help.

About Elizabeth

6832 North Avenue, Suite 4B Just west of Oak Park Avenue Phone: 312-815-9607 Email: Elizabeth (Betsy) was trained at Kansas State University (M.S.) and McCormick Theological Seminary (M.Div.) in counseling and psychotherapy. She is licensed to practice in the state of Illinois and is a member of the American Association of Pastoral Counseling. She practices the art and science of psychotherapy which is a form of listening and reflecting that engages our capacity to heal and transform the conditions and problems that undermine our mental health and wellness. It is useful for individuals, families and couples. It creates a safe space where the story of one’s life can unfold and become open for change.
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